Blogging Baby

Where do they get this stuff?

Thu, 16 May 2013 07:39:30 -0400

A few nights ago- on the guest bed:
Emilio climbs up and lies down facing Matt, places his chin on this hands and says, “Let’s talk!”

Last night, laying on his changing table playing with a plastic beaded necklace.
Emilio places the necklace over his eyes and says, “Look Mama! I’m wearing glasses.” Then he removes it and says, “I took them off!”
Then he holds it up to my face, “Your turn!”

Yesterday morning, I’m in the shower.
Emilio opens the door and yells, “What are you doing Mama?”
“I’m taking a shower!”
“Oh, that’s ok.”
Door shuts.

Seriously. When did he become a 5 year old in a nearly 2.5 year olds body?!

From that… To this… My third year as a Mother,...

Mon, 13 May 2013 10:15:06 -0400

From that…

To this…

My third year as a Mother, getting to celebrate this journey, getting to reflect on who I am now.

As I drove to Yoga on Sunday morning. I smiled. Just driving in my station wagon, car seat in the back seat, windows down. I felt happy. I felt content in my life, in this journey. Happy at where I was, where I’m going and where I’ve been.

To another year of growth, change, joy and memory making.

Mama enters the room. Emilio holds up his finger at Mama....

Sat, 11 May 2013 09:43:58 -0400

Mama enters the room.
Emilio holds up his finger at Mama.
“No, Mama!”
“No, what?”
Emilio moves finger to point behind him.
“Go back in the other room with Dada.”
28 months going on 13.

28 Months Emilio - You just keep on growing. And surprising...

Thu, 09 May 2013 09:27:34 -0400

28 Months

Emilio -

You just keep on growing. And surprising me. And wowing me. And making it so possible for my love for you to grow and expand and explode. You’re having conversations now. You’re telling stories. You’re becoming an amazing little boy.

I love you

Mama

On Eric, On Dad, on his Deathaversary

Tue, 07 May 2013 09:16:00 -0400

On a May 7th morning, not unlike this one, in 2006 we sat around my Dad’s disease ridden body and watched him take his last raspy breaths. We cried. We laughed. We hugged. We sobbed. We thought about what was next. We didn’t know.

The next day we buried him on an even more beautiful day.

And then we began mourning.

And then we began living our lives again, carrying around a big hole.

I got married, to the man my Father knew and loved. To a man that reminds me of my Father in some ways.

And then, I had a son. Who is named for my Father.

I don’t remember every piece of my Dad. I’m sure I’ve forgotten some normal, average, growing up days with him. Sometimes my Brother will mention a trait that I didn’t remember. Sometimes my Mom will point out how my Dad loved multi-colored plantings and I will realize I never even knew that.

But I remember his love. I remember his humor. I remember his passion for learning and music. I remember how important family was to him. I remember how much he loved me. How proud he was of me.

I realize that I can’t picture how he would grandfather Emilio because I never saw him with a Grandchild. So I imagine.

I imagine him throwing him in the air as he did with me.

I imagine him swimming with him in fresh NH lakes as he loved to do.

I imagine him reading to him.

I imagine him singing with him. Loud. At the top his lungs.

I imagine his smile. His infectious grin as he watches Emilio grow.

I imagine him shouting out “Milio!” as he enters a room like he did with me and my nickname, “Cub!”

And it hurts. My heart hurts for all that he’s missing. For all I’m missing. I carry that with me. Everyday.

But I see in my son the same loves. Of people, of learning, of music, of life. The pure love of life.

The love that allowed my Dad to tell us he had no regrets. The love that filled and overflowed the Temple at his funeral. The love that helped me and my Brother become the people we are. The love that I so cherish(ed).

And that lessens the hurt.

And that’s the painful beauty of life. Of loss.

5 Things To Do When You Feel Your Temper Rising

Fri, 03 May 2013 21:21:11 -0400

5 Things To Do When You Feel Your Temper Rising:

This spoke to me tonight. I’ve had a short fuse this week as Emilio fought sleep.
“Behind your anger is fear”
I fear I won’t have time to get it all done
I fear I won’t have time to myself to decompress
I fear he will never sleep on his own
I need to let them go and meet him with love. Wouldn’t love settle him sooner than me snapping at him to?
Yes. I think so.
As Dr. Laura advises. I need to breathe instead of react. Just breathe.
A lesson for so much of life.

Five for Friday

Fri, 03 May 2013 14:44:16 -0400

Okay - I’ll bite.

1. My pants are too tight. Worst feeling in the world and it is all I can think about as I sit at my desk. <——— no productivity today

2. Solo yoga and then dinner with friends tonight, Adults only Bat Mitzvah party and hotel sleep over tomorrow night means 2 nights I don’t have to battle 2 year old energy in to sleep. <————- I’ll miss him, but SCORE

3. Emilio wore my running visor on our walk last night. I couldn’t handle the cuteness. <———— little kids in bigger clothes is too much.

4. Today was a day when every picture I got from Daycare was adorable. <——— cue working mama guilt

5. Does anyone else overshare with their daycare teachers at drop off? Yeah. That was me today. <——- it makes me more relatable, right?

The family that has fun in Lens Crafters together, stays...

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 22:45:16 -0400

The family that has fun in Lens Crafters together, stays together!

adriennewrites: It wasn’t a great day. But it was a good...

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 21:53:30 -0400

adriennewrites:

It wasn’t a great day.
But it was a good night.
A running, “Mama!” when my boy saw me tonight.
A walk where he let me carry him in the ergo. Snuggles plus a real walk for me and Dij. Score!
Successful new dinner - Amy’s Tamale Pie for the win! Asked for more when he still had half a plate left.
A longer bath, with bubbles, and crayons.
I watched my budding kid draw and draw.
And then he cleaned up after himself.
So very thankful for nights like this.
Soak them up.
Store them.

Just Keep Doing It

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 09:15:36 -0400

Hi.

I’ve been kind of quiet over here, huh?

Sometimes I want to write about how awesome my kid is and how amazed I am at him, daily. Especially his verbal abilities and his memory. But I don’t want to come off in a way that makes other Mamas feel less than.

Then, I want to write about how challenging this journey can be sometimes. How I got angry when Emilio won’t take a nap or go to sleep at night. But I know I’m not angry at him, I’m angry at myself. Or just tired. Usually just tired. But I feel like I do plenty of that here.

Or, I want to share the sweet moments I so cherish, like when he asks for me first thing in the morning and just cuddles in to my neck. But does that make it seem like I’m trying to mask our experience as picture perfect?

And then I want to just tell you about our weekend. But I don’t want to be boring.

Then I think about what to share, what’s new or cool or interesting. And I realize that while Emilio keeps changing, and our lives keep changing, there is more of the same. There is a little less rapid change and growth and a little more just, “Wow” at being a parent to this kid.

We were at a playground yesterday and Emilio was climbing up stairs meant for 5 year old kids (so there was a good bit of “throw my body half way up and just pull”) and doing the slide. Again, and again, and again. I didn’t have to help him. I didn’t have to hold his hand. He just kept doing it.

And that’s parenting too, right? You realize you get to places where you don’t have to hold anyone’s hand. You may have to throw yourself up and hope you can pull the rest of the way. But, you can go down the big slide. So you just keep doing it. Looking for that smiling face at the bottom.

We had a long weekend to visit some family up North. Up on...

Sun, 21 Apr 2013 20:08:34 -0400

We had a long weekend to visit some family up North. Up on Friday, that was tense, back in Saturday afternoon.
It felt long, and busy and there was a lot of time in the car.
And then a busy playgroup activity today.
And no naps.
We loved all the people we got to see.
But I would be lying if I didn’t admit that we’re all a little worn out.

A bubble bath was the perfect end to the weekend.

frakintosh: kemotional: buzzfeed: This dog was unable to gaze...

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 07:24:31 -0400

frakintosh:

kemotional:

buzzfeed:

This dog was unable to gaze at his beloved cat due to some menacing potted plants, but true love won in the end.

This made my fucking day. On a day that needed to be made.

It is important to have pals.

Just what I needed!

Emilio, Today you’re 27 months old - officially....

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 10:21:47 -0400

Emilio,

Today you’re 27 months old - officially. I’m going to be honest. I’ve basically stopped counting in months. You’re 2. And a big 2 at that. I didn’t catch the whole song, but what I did get shows just enough of a slice of who you are to make it a video I think we’ll watch again, and again. And probably play at some milestone event in your future.

Gosh you love to sing. And sing with abandon. And I love it.

We went to a fair near our house on Saturday, and you were having none of the rides, overall you were not a very happy camper. But, on the way home, you sang the entire time. That Old MacDonald - he’s got a lot of farm animals! And your Dad and I just looked at each other and smiled as we walked home together.

What a spark. What a guy.

I love you,

Mama

The Guilt. The Balance.

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 09:26:02 -0400

Here’s something.

I have guilt.

I have guilt about the time I’m missing.

I have guilt about not pushing myself more in my career.

Real win-win there, huh?

Sometimes in life, you come across stories, experiences, that make you question your choices. That call out how short life is and more strikingly that it can be cut even shorter.
And I hear these stories and think, “Am I making the right choices?”

And then you live it.

You experience the unfairness. The shirty stuff.

And I lay in bed with Emilio as he falls asleep and I think, “Am I here enough? Is this balance right?”
I don’t think it is. At least not for me.

Here’s what I think I am doing right. (for me) I’m choosing family over career, but I’m not sacrificing my job.
I mean…

I am not pushing for more or better or up here or elsewhere. I’m working hard here and continuing to achieve.

Yet.

Sometimes I feel like I’m getting left behind, like the sacrifices I make, the leaving early, the not overachieving gets me left behind. But. I’m okay with it. Because for me, that choice is clear. I just feel it in my bones.

And lately, even with that, I’m bringing work home. Physically and mentally. And that doesn’t feel good.

That perpetuates the guilt.

And, if I’m okay with the sacrifices I’m making career wise now, how much more would I be okay with? In other words, how much more could I let go of to feel like I have a better balance.

And, even more importantly, does that exist?

Here’s the problem. And a lot of people are talking about it.

I don’t think it does. But, it should.

I’m lucky. I’ve built a role and a job for myself here that affords me the luxury of doing what I want to do and leaving when I want to leave.

It doesn’t mean I don’t want more. It doesn’t mean I shouldn’t ask for more. (I don’t).

But listen, I don’t think I can have it all. At least not right now. So I choose one, but even that choice seems clouded because I can’t pick it.

I’m unbalanced.

More balance for me is more time away from work.

I like working. I like having the balance.

I don’t like the guilt.

But will it ever go away?

Is it supposed to?

Lately- it’s been all about the evening walks I get to...

Sat, 30 Mar 2013 21:19:14 -0400

Lately- it’s been all about the evening walks I get to take with my guy.
And working for the weekend.
Looking forward to more balance to come.
For now, I cherish the moments I have and am thankful for opportunities afforded to me.
And, Emilio? Today in the grocery store we kept running in to a 9 or so month baby girl and when we walked by her at one point he looked up at me and said, “I need to give her a hug.”
That’s Emilio, at this moment.

NH for an impromptu long weekend. Farms, and fire places....

Wed, 20 Mar 2013 08:27:54 -0400

NH for an impromptu long weekend. Farms, and fire places. Brewery tours and cappuccino. Feet up and fun with Dadda. File under: I wish we lived closer.

Conversations with Emilio

Fri, 15 Mar 2013 11:20:58 -0400

Over Dinner
E: "I want peanut butter with a spoon"
A: *shakes head* "Let's focus on dinner!"
E: "a big bite!"
A:
E: "A little bit?" With head cock and all.
Ahh the age of bargaining is on us!

Music
E: "Mama play some music?"
A: "Sure! I'll play a song I'm really into right now."
A: "Hmm. Not sure why it's not playing."
E: "It's loading?"
Ahh bringing up a child in tech.

Happy 26 Months my Milio Man! You continue to grow, and...

Sat, 09 Mar 2013 20:43:52 -0500

Magic Boy

The cheeks

The happiness

The curiosity

The eyes

The independence

The lashes

The personality

Happy 26 Months my Milio Man!

You continue to grow, and change, and become the boy you are.

Your sentences lengthen, you understand more, you say more. And that is just one of the ways you showcase the boy you’re becoming.

You love to learn.

You love to read and dance and sing.

You love animals, all of them.

You love the people in your life.

You are my sweet baby boy, and my silly little guy all at once.

To more and more and more.

I love you,

Mama

I dropped Emilio off today, and was running a little behind....

Mon, 04 Mar 2013 08:59:50 -0500

I dropped Emilio off today, and was running a little behind. Usually Matt sits and helps him transition. Today, I couldn’t do it. We had a lot of just us time this weekend. I think we all needed it.
It seemed to make it easier for Emilio. When I said, “I gotta go bud, I’ll see you tonight.” He responded with a quiet, “ok”.
I raced to the station and saw my train leaving as I filled the meter. I’d hit every light wrong.
And then the guilt flooded me.
I could have sat “a little bit” as Emilio puts it.
I could have, no now it was should have, spent more time.
And now I face the week ahead.
And all that time together is making it harder for me. It filled me up. But it made the gaps more clear.
I need more.
It’s Monday.
I’m sad.
The balance isn’t easy. Sometimes it just feels perpetually off.

A Day in the Life- Picture an Hour

Sat, 02 Mar 2013 20:40:55 -0500

Remember late 2011 when I shared a Saturday via a picture an hour? No? Here’s a reminder: http://barnardbabyblog.tumblr.com/post/10638740795/a-day-in-the-life-as-told-by-15-photos

I did it again!

7:30 We’re up! Time for milk and cereal with special raisins in it (golden raisins)

8:30 Hanging in the living room with a new farm set (This guy loves his farm animals)

9:30 Warmish sunny morning means a walk to Dunks for coffee. I’m ready for Spring!

10:30 Someone got my phone

11:30 Reading with Dada in the kitchen

12:30 Lunch at our favorite diner, Harvest. Fruit cup for dessert!

1:30 At swimming lessons early, so we got time to play with the School Bus. Everyone loves the School Bus!

2:30 Swimming Lessons with Dada in the pool today!

3:30 Gotta keep going, going, going since there was no nap today. Grocery shopping next!

4:30 Hanging back at home with Dij

5:30 Yoga!

6:30 Dinner is almost ready, but someone doesn’t want to wait.

7:30 and time for bed!

A fun day of just us. Just what we all needed!