Blogging our first pregnancy and child rearing, all the ups and downs, tears and laughs and overthinking that not only comes with being knocked up and a new Momma, but with just being me.
A few nights ago- on the guest bed:
Emilio climbs up and lies down facing Matt, places his chin on this hands and says, “Let’s talk!”
Last night, laying on his changing table playing with a plastic beaded necklace.
Emilio places the necklace over his eyes and says, “Look Mama! I’m wearing glasses.” Then he removes it and says, “I took them off!”
Then he holds it up to my face, “Your turn!”
Yesterday morning, I’m in the shower.
Emilio opens the door and yells, “What are you doing Mama?”
“I’m taking a shower!”
“Oh, that’s ok.”
Seriously. When did he become a 5 year old in a nearly 2.5 year olds body?!
Lately- it’s been all about the evening walks I get to take with my guy.
And working for the weekend.
Looking forward to more balance to come.
For now, I cherish the moments I have and am thankful for opportunities afforded to me.
And, Emilio? Today in the grocery store we kept running in to a 9 or so month baby girl and when we walked by her at one point he looked up at me and said, “I need to give her a hug.”
That’s Emilio, at this moment.
NH for an impromptu long weekend. Farms, and fire places. Brewery tours and cappuccino. Feet up and fun with Dadda. File under: I wish we lived closer.
- Over Dinner
- E: "I want peanut butter with a spoon"
- A: *shakes head* "Let's focus on dinner!"
- E: "a big bite!"
- E: "A little bit?" With head cock and all.
- Ahh the age of bargaining is on us!
- E: "Mama play some music?"
- A: "Sure! I'll play a song I'm really into right now."
- A: "Hmm. Not sure why it's not playing."
- E: "It's loading?"
- Ahh bringing up a child in tech.
Happy 26 Months my Milio Man!
You continue to grow, and change, and become the boy you are.
Your sentences lengthen, you understand more, you say more. And that is just one of the ways you showcase the boy you’re becoming.
You love to learn.
You love to read and dance and sing.
You love animals, all of them.
You love the people in your life.
You are my sweet baby boy, and my silly little guy all at once.
To more and more and more.
I love you,
You were a little more excited than usual tonight.
Like you knew the weekend was just a night away.
And weekends mean lots of time with your favorite people.
Mama and Dada, and Dijy too!
Since you decided you don’t want milk anymore, falling asleep on your own at night is new, and different.
We’ve been figuring that out together this week.
A transition for both of us.
It hasn’t been easy.
So when 9PM comes and you’re still fidgeting and waking up, I start to get frustrated.
I wish I could give you more time with me.
I need time for just me too.
And the list of things I want and need to do wears on me, when all I want to do is fall asleep with you.
But, when you reach your little hand up and place it in mind, I can’t help put sigh, and relax, and remember that it can all wait, for at least a few minutes longer.
You still need me.
Just because you don’t need Mama’s milk for night night, doesn’t mean you don’t need Mama.
So I stay, and I settle.
And you drift in to sleep.
But I keep my hand in yours for a little longer than you need me too.
Because I need it, too.
A week ago, I had just gotten home from my first trip away from Emilio. Having changed my flight mid trip (because I could/wanted to, no other good reason) to get home earlier (8:00pm instead of 11:53PM) I walked in to a Toddler with double pink eye and a double ear infection. I had spent the entire flight anxiety ridden given I knew he was sick and going to the doctor. Having shut my phone off at take off, and no wi-fi in flight, I was informationless - not good for anxiety.
When I walked in the door, my guy softly said, “Mama” with a smile on his tired, sick, gunky and red splotchy face and stumbled in to my arms. When I picked him up he felt lighter and perfect. Like he was what I had been missing for 4 days.
And he was.
But, what I wanted to come here and write about was how it was to be away from him, from Matt, from home, all by myself.
It was fine.
I avoided thinking about the trip, about how I might feel, about how it might be. Because I was scared that it was going to be enormously hard. That I was going to be depressed and lonely and not have any fun.
I was wrong.
Did I miss everyone. Oh yes! But I wasn’t depressed, or lonely and I had fun. I mean, I was working, but I was in a tropical location, so I had fun.
I know other Mom’s do it- travel on their own - but I don’t hear much talk about how it feels to do it.
So I just wanted to say, that it was fine!
And I wanted to talk about guilt for it being okay, for me being okay. For enjoying myself while away. Oh, everyone told me to. The message I heard loud and clear was, “He’ll be fine, you go have fun!”
So I did. I went to the gym, I stayed up late, I had a few drinks, I laid on the beach. I just took care of myself and no one else.
And I never felt guilty.
And I know Emilio did great too. He woke up sick Friday and declared that he was sad and missed me. But what kiddo wouldn’t miss their Mom when they’re sick?
I did it. And you can do it too.
Do I think that having waited until he was 2 to travel alone helped, yes. I really do.
Irregardless, I hope me putting this out there helps. I hope one Mom who is anxious about traveling solo can read this and think, “Okay, she did it and she is VERY attached to her son, I can do it too!”
Because you can!
So go have fun. (Or go work and have a little fun like me).
And then come back home and hug your sweet babe and see their eyes light up when they see you, and then the little tchotchke you brought home for them.
This morning my Mom knocked on the bathroom door. We were all up early to facilitate the parting of ways - Mom and Dave back to NH after a week with us to help cover the edges with me gone, Sammy back to TN after driving up to gift us his car, and Matt and I back to work.
“Bubba died.” I heard her say over Emilio’s chatter.
Later, I sat on the couch with Emilio as Mom talked to my Uncle about what was next. The little details you have to focus on in the midst of mourning, of letting shock wash over you, even when its not shocking, of feeling grief and loss.
Emilio asked what we were talking about.
“Do you remember Bubba?” I asked
“Yeah,” he responded
“Bubba was sick,” I said
“Yeah,” he responded
“Bubba isn’t with us anymore, Bubba died.”
Emilio looked at me, and for a few minutes I think he understood. And I felt good about telling him, about being honest. I felt good about the time he got to spend with her, that he knew who she was.
And I’m thankful for videos like these that I can show him later, so her memory remains strong in him.
Sleep sweetly Bubba, I love you.